Some days are just good. My heart is full of gratitude that my mom is still with me, and that God has given me the opportunity and means to be with her in her twilight years. On these days, I am reminded of Mom's amazing qualities. In spite of her difficulties, she is kind, gentle, and extremely trusting of us. I have much for which to be grateful.
Some days are just sad. Like the day that I took Mom with me to my knitting class (knitting is my latest attempt at having some sense of normalcy). Mom dozed most of time we were there - fine by me - but one of the women in the class sees Mom and decides it is appropriate to talk on - and on - about how her 86 year old mother is doing "just awesome" - living in a wonderful retirement center, meeting with her friends, going places, having fun, blah, blah, and blah.
Well, my mother will never be doing "just awesome" in this way, and I'm all too often reminded of this.
My father passed away at the young age of 65. He will forever be young in my heart and memories. My last memories of Dad, even though he was limited by bad health later in life, are those of heart-felt discussions and fun activities. One of my favorites is from a day just a few weeks before Dad died. He was driving my then 2 year old daughter around the acreage in a go kart - Elizabeth with her head back, laughing and giggling and Dad with an impish grin, knowing that really wasn't a doctor-sanctioned activity. What a great time they had together! What a great memory for me.
Mom is now 86, and there are times I find myself longing for the mother who used to be - capable, responsible, vibrant. And I dream of how it "should be" now...like it was with my Dad. Only there are no "should be's". There is only what is.
And some days are sad.