It is very hard to watch Mom and see her in this condition. Here is a woman who has lived a long, wonderful life (she has us for family - need I say more??); who wrestled with God and was baptized at the age of 85; who for the past almost 3 years has felt so much joy knowing she is loved deeply by God, her family, and her brothers and sisters in Christ. She may not have been able to remember your name, but she would sing along to most every song in church!
I am tired. I am tired from not getting enough sleep. I am tired from making decisions - far too many decisions, in too short of a time, of a far too serious nature. I'm having to decide which tests to authorize for Mom - having to ask what is specifically involved, what treatment would the test lead to, and try to figure out what is best for her. I've had to decide what treatment to authorize - and which to decline, feeling the weight of each decision and its possible consequences. And while I am not alone in this, at times I've started to feel overwhelmed - and very tired. My sweet husband made the mistake last night of asking me where I'd like to have dinner - normally a very welcomed question because it implies that dinner would be cooked and eaten somewhere other than in my own kitchen. But not this time, as it became just one more decision I felt I had to make, but couldn't. Sweet husband quickly realized this (tears have a way of communicating things mere words don't) and picked a great restaurant. The fact that it was one of the only restaurants still open near the hospital was irrelevant - really!
So in my ongoing efforts to keep learning from this, I found myself reading Matthew 6 this morning, and thinking about Jesus' prayer...the part where he tells us to pray "Give us today our daily bread..." I've seen (and felt) God's help on a day by day (sometimes moment by moment). When I can stay focused on the immediate need - not letting my mind think too far ahead over possibilities that may not even come to pass - I'm good...or at least better. I see more clearly that God's commands really aren't burdensome, but are actually freeing to me. There is enough going on now; I don't need add more myself. If you see my doing this, please stop me! So I'm fighting hard to not let my mind, and my imagination, run amok. At least that is how it can feel.
I am writing this post from Atlanta...far from the ICU waiting room of yesterday's post. I flew up here because I needed to retrieve my car that I so graciously left in the driveway of friends (doesn't everyone want to take a 2003 Camry for a joyride?!) so that I can then pick up "the juvies" (see previous post) from camp tomorrow. I sit here amazed at all that's transpired in one week's time. When I walked off the plane into the Atlanta airport this morning, I actually had one of those "where I am?" moments. Maybe the fact that I had to get up at 4 am to make this flight had something to do with it. Maybe this being the fifth airport I've been in within the past month is a factor. Maybe its the culmination of the week's events. Who knows. But this day in Atlanta has been a welcome reprieve. Time spent with dear friends has refreshed my soul. My brother had kindly offered to drive to Atlanta, get my car and drive the juvies to Miami for me. It was a great plan, until we learned the airline ticket for him to fly back to Tallahassee would be over $600! (Extortion I tell you!) I've seen ticket prices for flights to Paris for that amount!. So we saved the money, and this day in Atlanta has been a refreshing respite for me. And the next time I find an extra $600 dollars for travel purposes, I have some ideas about what to do with it...if I can just make one more decision. "Let's see...I could fly to Tallahassee, Florida...or I could fly to Paris, France....Tallahassee....or Paris...Tallahassee...or Paris...." Hmmmm.