Thursday, July 28, 2011

one red shoe, one blue shoe

Mom had a birthday this week. She is now 88 years old. It is 10 days post injury.

On Monday I received a call from the hospital that they were looking to transfer early as the next day! As life would have it, this is the one week that my husband has needed to me to work full time in his office. So here I was, trying to work at the office and at the same time figure out how to research facilities, visit them, get referrals...and still visit Mom, help her eat, etc. [of course, my son was also "home alone", but we won't go there] Stress has morphed into its own life form; taken on a whole new dimension! I've had to learn to trust God and rely on people more than ever. God has been nothing but faithful and trustworthy, and I'm ashamed that trusting him is even still an issue. I think it is so much a part of our nature (at least mine!) to try to control things, feel the pressure to work everything out and "fix it" (whatever "it" is). But I've been determined to not give in to that and instead strive to trust God. In fact, my new mantra is:

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and I will be helped." Psalm 28.7 [the next verse says "my heart leaps for joy"...haven't quite gotten there yet, but I'm confidant that I will!)

So what is the result of this, you ask? My church (actually, it's God's church, but I consider it mine!) is amazing. Each day someone has gone to the hospital to be with Mom! Since Mom isn't recognizing me these days, I'm quite replaceable, in a good way. And each day a friend who does catering has brought the most delicious meals to the office for us so that Doug can take dinner home for him and TJ and I can eat something delicious and nutritious before I run off to see Mom! My sister and brother have manned their phones to get the information for insurance, medicare and facilities. No way could I have handled this by myself! I never made it to rehab/nursing centers to personally check them out, as any diligent, concerned person would have. I've only talked to people on the phone...and prayed. But it dawned on me that as unconventional a method as mine was, I did not actually have to see this place merely had to be great! So yesterday Mom was transferred from the hospital to a rehab/skilled nursing facility - a facility I never actually stepped foot in until I visited Mom last night(how scary is that??). And it turns out the facility is great - really.

The facility is great; mom is not. She's confused, tired, afraid, and not eating much. We've done everything humanly possible to avoid her being in this type of situation, but here we are anyway. There are times I've asked myself did we doo too much? Did we not do enough? I am prepared for her to get better (of course!), and I feel I am prepared for her to pass. I'm not prepared to watch her slowly disintegrate ... which is what this feels like. My heart hurts. And life is just stressful right now. This morning I woke up with a headache...a new experience for me. I bumbled around getting myself together and was ready to head out the door, or so I thought. Good thing I happened to look down at my feet. I have two pairs of shoes of the same style, just different colors. They are really cute, with little buckles on them, which is why I bought a red pair and a blue pair. Today I almost walked out of the house wearing one blue shoe and one red one, definitely diminishing the cuteness factor! While I could easily fix the shoes, I really can't fix much else right now. But the one red shoe, one blue just seems apropros now.

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